i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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