I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
