Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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