3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
