if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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