That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
