My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Don't EVER smell your tampon
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
