Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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