Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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