i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
