I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
