why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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