Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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