Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
