I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
