Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
