he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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