I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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