We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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