just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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