____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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