I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
