He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
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If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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