i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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