Someone shit on the floor
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Randomize
