Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sacagawea was the original milf.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
