3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
