I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
