There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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