Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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