Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
