i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
