i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
