This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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