So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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