i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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