saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
