i just wanna soil my oats bro
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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