I faked an abortion last night.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
