life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
