I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
