Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
