I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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