My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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