She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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