so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
