It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So vagazzling was a success
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
