I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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