We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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