i wish starbucks made bloody marys
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
