I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
