Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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