he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
