I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
