Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
