Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
