Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
