I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
