chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
