i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
