I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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