i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
