i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
