thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
