does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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