I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
