Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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