Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
